CPTSD & me — Gede Austana

Being in the moment - Playa del Carmen, Mexico 2020

It’s been a year since my first entry on this blog and the year has been completely unlike any other.

There’s been so much happening for all of us with Covid19 and a planet in lockdown. Personally I understand the need for distancing and caution but at this moment in time the prolonged shutdown (especially in Australia) is getting old and damaging in so many ways. My career is critical and I have no income. My personal life is collapsed with a non-existent social life and my ability to start fresh is being restricted by a general inability to move freely.

In 2019 I finally sought help for issues I was having and was diagnosed with CPTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) among other things. In my case a Complex PTSD brought on by a final singular trauma that was just me too far, a few years ago. I haven’t really spoken about it openly as this type of thing has been associated with weakness and a cultural faux pas but I have to be honest with myself.

I have spent the last year thinking on this and coming to terms with its route causes, an ongoing process. I don’t want to dwell on this but I am forced into confrontation of it daily and so it become a much larger part of my life than wanted. A key difference between PTSD and CPTSD is the latter is generally associated with ongoing childhood trauma than single events, which means a longer curated library of spirit-carnage to pick from.

It is a sad truth that a lot of people should not be allowed to be parents but saying so seems to be one of those herd-mentality no-no’s that people frown upon. My parents fall into the category of abusive, manipulative megalomaniacal narcissist and unhinged sociopathic borderline personality. Both of whom will probably read this shaking their heads in quasi-intellectual disapproval before running off to their respective dark corners and dictatorial micro-kingdoms to run counter-campaigns of delusional propaganda conveniently forgetting that we are all products of what came before us. My diagnosis is proof enough of their guilt. There is an argument that your past should stay in the past and such sins should be forgiven which I actually do agree with but this is what makes CPTSD what it is. Reliving these traumas isn’t my decision, it just happens. It’s my brains gag reflex living its best life, regurgitating what isn’t sitting right and making me look at it without provocation, stirring the emotions I had and generally creating mental chaos when none is needed. I also believe that we all have the opportunity to redeem ourselves until the moment we die and so I am not resigning defeat or surrendering to my weaknesses. I am fighting again to make what I have left count in a positive and meaningful way.

A lot of what is symptomatic of CPTSD is so personal to you but so disruptive to your entire world. It’s never intentional (at least in my case) but yet creates such a gap between you and everyone that drugs and alcohol become so appealing as ways of quieting the turmoil and allowing the real untainted you from just existing in the world. For me it creates a minefield of overthinking, anger, sadness and disassociation that seems to obscure the optimistic and charismatic person that I know I am, and have been in less afflicted times from coming into view. Instead I seem to project that of a wounded tiger licking its wounds and ready to swipe at any perceived threat. The daily strain on my mind can affect my memory and otherwise leave me confused about behaviour others would take for granted. In response I probably over work myself, plunging into my art to quiet the darkness that makes the flashbacks so potent.

My art is my solace and my hopes for the future despite the past. I don’t make art about anger or sadness as those are not qualities that I want to share with the world. They are not the legacy I want to leave behind. I find my faith in humanity born from mythology and the cultures of the past and so tend to focus on those to inspire a vision for the future. And although the people of the past have really fucked up the present and potentially the future, I would hope that at least some of us work for a better future. After all the dark ages gave birth to the renaissance and eventually the ninja turtles although I do question Megan Fox for the reboot.

And so in 2020 I have found myself in either ends of the mental health spectrum, discovering and creating new happy memories as I travelled the world only to be forced back into seclusion, haunted by the past against my will and with no avenue but my own desperate aspiration to not be this way forever. As I sit here a slave to 2020 my hope is that 2021 will open up again and allow me the freedom of movement to change my circumstance and work towards creating enough happy memories to finally out weigh the bad ones. Maybe even restoring some the faith I’ve lost in humanity.

I have not had any professional help in dealing with this (it probably shows) as resources are not financially available to me and the professional that did diagnose me ultimately did more damage, pushing me to the brink of suicide. I have lost even more trust as a result and although I know I do need help I am not in any mindset to look for it at this moment.

-

As a community service I am including a list of symptoms and if this list reflects your reality a little too much, it might be worthwhile to seek professional help. I know that may seem ironic after the above statement but even I know that having someone to help is the best way forward.

Complex PTSD is thought to be more severe if:

the traumatic events happened early in life
the trauma was caused by a parent or carer
the person experienced the trauma for a long time
the person was alone during the trauma
there's still contact with the person responsible for the trauma

As it may take years for the symptoms of complex PTSD to be recognised, a child's development, including their behaviour and self-confidence, can be altered as they get older.

Adults with complex PTSD may lose their trust in people and feel separated from others.

Source: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/complex/

Symptoms of complex PTSD are similar to the symptoms of PTSD. They include:

an inability to control emotions
periods of losing concentration (dissociation)
blanking out or losing memories
difficulties with a sense of identity or body image
physical symptoms that can’t be explained medically, such as headaches, stomach aches, dizziness and chest pains
disturbed relationships and cutting oneself off from other people
an inability to trust others
being vulnerable to abuse or exploitation
self-harm, suicide attempts and substance abuse
feeling ashamed or guilty
difficulty controlling emotions